Thursday, November 8, 2018

The truth is a dirty secret.



     Chit chatting with an assistant at the dentist office today while I was waiting for my mouth to numb, this conversation started: 
"So you are a dispatcher?" Yep. "How long have you been doing that?" As of October I've been there 24yrs. "Wow! That must be interesting." Yes, it is, but it can be very taxing. Then came the question I wasn't expecting and frankly have never been asked. "What's your outlet?" Umm, what? "You mentioned it's very taxing, what's your outlet?" 
     I was quiet for a moment (someone got me to be quiet for a moment. STOP ! ) I didn't want to tell her the truth, my dirty secret. This total stranger didn't need to know that my outlet is eating copious amounts of food to squash my emotions, choosing to stay locked away from interacting with people, and crying, sometimes lots and lots of crying. ( I don't think crying is a bad thing, but when you arbitrarily burst into tears, well that's a bit of an issue.) Twenty four years of people's problems, sorrows, tragedies takes a toll on you. I'm just hearing it. Think about all the poor folks who actually see it, go hands on helping with the issues. I can't tell her the truth.
     Instead, I smiled and said, well I sometimes go for a walk, or I took an improv class for a while. That was a great outlet.
     Reality, the lack of an outlet is catching up with me. It has been for a while. In the last 18months, I have been directly or peripherally involved in calls that have hit me emotionally, double murder /suicide (involving children), firestorm, officer involved shooting. How can those things not affect you? We aren't machines.
     The first windstorm I experienced after the fires, I had a panic attack. I didn't lose my house in the fire, I wasn't working the first night of the fires. I did work many, many days afterward. Why was I bothered so much by the wind? It was the last thing I thought about before I fell asleep that night. Listen to that wind, I love it. I knew there was a fire in another county. I thought, it's so far away, we are good. That thought proved to be a lie. That fire with that wind came charging into our county, like it took my thought of "we are fine" as a challenge.  An early morning phone call from a friend asking me "what I was doing",my obvious answer was going to be sleeping. Then she clarified about the fire. Meaning, am I staying or am I leaving? I looked at my phone, to see all these emails from work from hours before, asking people to come in, they were needing emergency help. I went outside to see the glow in the sky. It was too late, I couldn't come in. My husband was at work, I have a 10 yr old and 3 dogs that I couldn't leave alone, and I couldn't take to work with me. I went in that Monday evening, but the guilt I felt for not being there to help was tremendous. What all those people endured that night, there just aren't enough words.
We had another windy night this past October, my husband found me sleepwalking in the living room telling him I couldn't find my shoes. Prior to that incident, my sleepwalking ways ended when I was about 5yrs old. We can only ignore signs/symptoms for so long, before our mind/body get tired of it.
     All these things we experience. For me they turn into a movie of thoughts and emotions that is on a never ending loop. The truth doesn't always set you free. 

Saturday, June 23, 2018

Laughter can be great stress relief !



I started an adventure in September. It just came to a wrap this month.

What kind of adventure lasted 10 months? An outside of my comfort zone, nothing I have ever done before adventure......
I have a friend that started taking a Comedy Improv class at  a local theater. She told me what a great time she was having and encouraged me to join her for the next session. I really had to think about it. It's evening hours, I have a son that needs supervision (contrary to his belief on that topic,) and in the past had suffered great stage fright when it came to doing anything in front of others. After much thought, and arranging a weekly sitter for my son, I decided to go for it. Hey, you supposedly only live once. I don't know if I agree with that, but that's a topic for another day.

Beginning Improv...…..

There are RULES to improvisation. Yes, I said rules.

1. Always agree/say yes.
2. Say Yes AND
3. Make statements
4. There are no mistakes, only opportunities or happy accidents.


I've taken three sessions of improv, and still don't always remember the rules. One of the hardest things for me to do was not think before I spoke. It is opposite of everything we have been told growing up in life. I remember countless times hearing " you need to think before you speak." That definitely doesn't apply here.  You are not to think , but to react. It's interesting and FUN.
At the end of every session, the last class is a performance. I didn't tell anyone about it. It was MY thing, plus I really didn't know how I would react to "performing," since I had such horrible stage fright in the past. Something came over me...I didn't care. Now, my friend pointed out, that I probably didn't care, because I didn't know anyone in the audience. Good point, whether that was the reason or not, I was there to have fun, and that is exactly what I did.

I had a shift change while taking the Intermediate Improv class. I was working Fri/Sat and that changed to Sun/Mon. That meant I got off work at 5pm (often working 5am-5pm) then headed to class from 5:30pm-6:45pm. There were days I was dragging, but the class did something magical for me. For that hour and fifteen minutes, any stresses/sadness/anger I experienced at work went away. Some nights I left there so energized, I felt like I could run a marathon. My face/stomach hurt from laughing. I loved this class. It was my time to PLAY.
This time, I promised my friend I would tell people. I posted on Facebook and shared the date and time with my co-workers. The performance rolled around, I had some co-workers and friends in the audience. Guess what?! I didn't care AGAIN ! I mean, I hoped that had a good time, but I was there to have fun.
My third and final (for now) Improv class ended June 11th. It was fun, but for now I am glad it's over. I can honestly say if it wasn't for my friend, Susan , encouraging me to join her, I would not have sought this out on my own.

Susan  and I goofing around.



I believe laughter truly is a healing medicine.


**I am not a professional blogger, nor am I an English major, so there is misspelling and grammatical errors up the wazoo. This is just me putting my thoughts out into the world. 
***Also, there are cookies attached to this blog, and I don't mean chocolate chip. 





Sunday, March 18, 2012

For the love of brothers~


Okay, so maybe this picture isn't what most people had in mind, but these are my boys. Cosmo Kramer (the French Bulldog) and Peter Kieffer my four year old, kiss /hug dispenser, and absolute joy of my life. Cosmo aka Mo and Peter are like brothers. They bug each other daily, (the picture is a fine example of that) yet have so much love for one another. Peter looks for Mo first thing in the morning to give him a kiss and pat on the head. If Peter has gotten hurt and is crying Mo runs to Peter, sits by his side and howls. They don't share a language, but their bond is incredible. A true love for one another. My boys.....

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Something to think about....



My friend has this posted on her Facebook wall. When I read it, my first thought ~HOLY COW! That is exactly what I have been feeling for a while now.~
I LOVE my friends. Would do anything,well, almost anything for them (meaning -no murder/jail time/ in general any illegal activity is off limits.) I have come over late at night to console after a bad break up, been the voice of reason when truly there was no reasoning, and been the ear for some to bend when they just need someone to listen. I don't do these things because I am keeping track I do them because that is who I am. Heck, everyone needs a release at some point. After a while though, when you only call me for sadness/tragedy/advice it gets old. Or when I call just to say  Hi and the first thing I hear is "it's about time YOU called" or "I would have called but I have been so busy!" That space in my heart gets smaller. EVERYONE is busy. EVERYONE has tough things going on in life.
I think it is good for us all to take a good, long, hard look in the mirror of life.  Are you making/keeping up the efforts to stay in peoples lives? Are there people not making the effort to stay in yours? Perhaps a little restructuring is in order. Just say'n.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

My son made me cry today~

My son has been asking to have a surprise day. Meaning a day we can go bring surprises to people of his choosing. I made that promise and today was that day. (Of course another scorching HOT day. I have already mentioned I don't care for the heat.) His thoughtfulness just makes me choke up thinking about it.

First, he wanted to bring flowers to his friends. I told him the thought was great, but most of them would be in school and 3 & 4 yr old boys probably wouldn't appreciate the flowers so much. Peter quickly pointed out "thems moms do." Off we went to buy flowers. He told me that we needed to buy lots, because he wanted to surprise LOTS of people. ( My eyes got a bit misty.)
That was our day. Peter telling me who he wanted to give flowers to and I drove him there. After every flower he would say "That made thems so happy! Let's do more!" At one point he told me I might need to buy more flowers. There are several more people he wants to give flowers to, but timing for us/them was off. As I pulled into the driveway this afternoon he told me today made him really happy. I asked why? Peter "cuz I gave people smiles." (Yep, I cried again.)


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